Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Fins of Freedom

You will receive love only to your ability to be vulnerable enough to let it in.  
Love between two people is a fearless state of being 
where you are and who they are is given and received 
without fear of engulfment or abandon.
The underlying belief of this state is complete trust regardless of the outcome.

~  Jackson Kiddard

I'm working on a speech that my girl, Dara, has asked me to give at her wedding later this week (read: Love Endures);  I'm halted in capturing just the right sentiment of the occasion, Boomer is on my mind...

Dolphins were Boomer's favorite mammal/animal.  He never said what his specific attraction or affinity for the dolphin was, perhaps it's their intelligence, playful nature and primary preference to live and hunt in a pod.   Attributes I think Boomer personally valued.

My friend Beth flew in from Chicago to be with me Thanksgiving weekend, 2012, two weeks after Boomer had passed away.   I had already begun learning the importance of getting out, try to do things, as a way to facilitate healing;  moreover, take care of myself and help prevent becoming a grieving-widow shut-in.   Sunday morning, Beth and I headed to Ft. Myers Beach.  Our mission:  get SMO out, enjoy Florida fall, fresh air, time together, breakfast, and the possibility of seeing some pro-am sand sculptures (FMB has an annual sand sculpture event every year at this time).   As we walked the main pier, I spotted the dorsal fin of a dolphin surface the water.  A lone dolphin swimming in some surprisingly shallow water. "Beth! Look!" I shouted, "Can you see it?  That dolphin, it's Boomer!  He's come to say good morning, and encourage us to have fun today."  To our astonishment, as quickly as Beth too saw the dolphin, "Yes he is, isn't he," she lovingly grabbed my hand  in our shared acknowledgement and together we watched the dolphin change course and return to deeper water.

L.G. and I had gone to the beach one evening to watch the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico (read:  L.G.).  I was uneasy about this first semi-romantic evening.  I say semi-romantic because I was distracted with thoughts of Boomer - - my love-loyalty as his widow.  How dare I stroll the shore of Ft. Myers Beach with a man other than him?  Nevermind that we had never done that in the short time we lived in Florida (read:  Florida).  We'd only had been to FMB once, and never to the beach itself.  Pleasure in things Boomer once enjoyed, like the beach (read:  S.S.B.B.),were already gone from our life together.  He'd become too sick.  Still, I was temporarily consumed with an odd sense of betrayal - - being at the beach with a man - - a new man.   We sat on a blanket in the sand at dusk talking.  L.G. lying on his side, facing me, with his back to the water.  I was sitting upright, facing the water.  I was listening to L.G. tell me about how much he enjoys this time of day, when I realized I had momentarily stopped breathing.   While suddenly at the same time all sounds ceased.   L.G.'s voice seemed to fade out, I couldn't hear a word he was saying, and all the surrounding sounds of beach activity went silent.  That's when I saw it, once again, a lone dorsal fin.  Only this time it was unsurprisingly close to the shore. I sat there entranced by the dolphin floating, almost utterly still, straight-on in my direct view for a what seemed a couple of moments.   It was Boomer with a message.  He was there to help release me to the freedom of being with someone new, enjoying the beach, enjoying the sunset, enjoying a new blossoming love.  I heard him say, "It's o.k. SMO.  Please don't be afraid, you deserve happiness.  I want you to be happy. Be happy."   Awestruck at the crisp clarity of hearing him, as I took a deep breath to help absorb what I was experiencing, a single tear ran down my right cheek, all the surrounding sounds returned and the dolphin swam out in the direction of the sunset, as L.G. grabbed my hand and told me how happy he was I was there with him. 
Sunset at Ft Myers Beach, FL - 2014
It is in letting go of what was, how what is to become can begin.  All ends have beginnings.  All beginnings have ends.  Boomer is on my mind... as I prepare to let go of his wedding ring, and pass it on to Dara and Adam, signifying that in love we can trust we are never abandoned, but free to begin...again. 

2 comments:

  1. Well thought out and very well written. Now go and enjoy the wedding; really enjoy the wedding.

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  2. Thank you Dennis. For your comments and for reading.

    ReplyDelete