Give sorrow words;
The grief that does not speak
whispers the o'er fraught heart and bids it break.
~ William Shakespeare
|My Beloved Boomer - 2009|
Today is Boomer's birthday. He would have been 57.
That's almost all there is to say. I didn't think I'd be blogging today. But I'm having a very different kind of day than I'd envisioned earlier in the week, when I thought I was feeling pretty strong coming into today...a day that's become one big, giant-ass bag of emotional potpourri. I've been sad. I've been elated. I've laughed. I've cried - - quite a bit. I prayed. I meditated. I rode 50.6 miles on my bike. I sat on a pier overlooking a breathtaking piece of nature. I walked a labyrinth. I visited Boomer's memorial brick at All Faiths Church and saw the beautiful rain barrel donated in his memory by my neighbors. A mini-tsunami of emotion on the one day Boomer himself least enjoyed celebrating - - his own birthday. So why am I such a mess? Because he's not here. That's all. And for all the things I've done today, I want him to be a part of it with me. Now I'm a little mad. I want to be hearing his voice talking on the phone, accepting the flood of birthday greeting calls. I miss his voice. I love his voice.
Last night I was remembering the very first time he called me on the phone. It was two days after our first smooch. I distinctly remember hanging up the phone thinking, "wow, I love his voice on the phone." I want to be bantering with him over why he doesn't like celebrating his birthday. Something we did every year we were together, in one form or another. Spotlight wasn't Boomer's thing, I think there is something to it. But for now, I'll leave it at that...his low key, under the radar preferred existence. Boomer wants to celebrate your birthday. Not his own. I threw him a surprise party when he turned 50. It was interesting watching how uneasy he was at first with all the attention thrust solely in his direction. Once the initial hoopla settled, so did he.
I can hear him saying, "Relax SMO, it's not a big deal." Right now, today, for me, it is a big deal. Fact is, the upcoming week will be a challenge; several Boomer milestones are occurring for me - today just kicked it off.
As I sat in the memorial garden, next to Boomer's brick, I was startled with what was playing in my ears through my iPod - - Lynyrd Skynrd's Free Bird. Then something strange happened, I heard Boomer's voice singing along. And as the guitar solo crescendos, I envisioned Boomer spreading his wings and soaring to a place of everlasting peace and wholeness. Something he didn't believe was here for him. And while his spirit and soul continue to take flight as a free bird, like the dove on his rain barrel, I am comforted, albeit, painfully so, knowing he continues to watch over me. And in this way, he is forever with me.
My Dear Boomer:
Today I honor all that is you...
- Not a fan of celebrating your own birthday
You also are:
- at Peace
I love you and thank you for ALL that you are & ALL that you've brought to my life. I am forever changed because of you.
Your loving wife, SMO